


Facade

by Ohgingersnap



Series: S&M ( Sam and morals) [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Age Play Caregiver Castiel (Supernatural), Age Play Little Dean Winchester, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - BDSM, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Awesome Bobby Singer, Awesome Charlie Bradbury, BDSM, Bobby Singer Deals With Idjits, Charlie Bradbury & Dean Winchester Friendship, Charlie Bradbury & Sam Winchester Friendship, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Family Drama, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Sam Winchester, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jo Harvelle & Dean Winchester Friendship, M/M, Masochist Sam Winchester, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Parental Bobby Singer, Protective Bobby Singer, Protective Jo Harvelle, References to Depression, Sad and Happy, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sick Sam Winchester, Some Humor, Young Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:33:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23294047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ohgingersnap/pseuds/Ohgingersnap
Summary: He is taking all of this a lot harder than me.So in hopes of keeping some of his peace of mind. I have continued being my good ole self, and not show when I got too in my head to read, too in pain to smile, too distressed to feel real emotions...---------And when I was kept awake in the middle of the night from nightmares, he would call me in perfect timing, just as I held a razor in a shaky hand.----"This journey you're about to go on, is gonna get a hell of a lot harder Samual. Don't cha want people in your court when things start to get ugly?""Things are already ugly Bobby."-----"Charlie!" I yelp out a wide smile splitting my face in half only for it to be yanked away as my legs suddenly give out underneath me causing me to fall straight onto my ass.-----"Don't try that bullshit with me winchester."---"Punch what now?""Punch face, you know? Punching faces, pew pew."-----Sam's point of view through out my "little did you know" series
Relationships: Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Charlie Bradbury/Jo Harvelle, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: S&M ( Sam and morals) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672324
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	Facade

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter has taken me so long to write oh my gosh 😫
> 
> But here it is! Sam's point of view for all the parts he was in my "little did you know" series.
> 
> This is really sad but don't worry it has funny and cute moments ❤
> 
> As always all mistakes are my own.
> 
> Also I want to apologize if it is structured weird I had a really hard time copying 14k.
> 
> One last thing! I switched up some of the story line with Jo in this one because it fit better with Sam's story this way.
> 
> Anyway please Enjoy!

_ January 31,  _

_ Four years ago  _

\----------------------

I hum softly as I flip a page in the medical book I was reading, holding back a sneeze as dust sprung free from the page and spirals up into the light streaming from the living room windows.

“Interesting.”

I mutter, more for show than anything else, turning the page again, before I even had time to read the first one.

I bite my lip, holding back a sigh as the words in front of me all blur together, making reading them like catching a shark in the ocean.  _ Impossible. _

_ No.  _

_ My head wasn't in it today. _

I flip another yellowed page.

_ It hasn't been for twenty-four days. _

There was a long sigh from my right, before the sound of shuffling and a soft "pumpft".

I readjust my cramping legs, glancing up at Dean, who was now laying sideways on the couch, halfway hanging off.

_ No. I can't focus. _

_ But it doesn't matter. _

Dean made a sound of frustration, like metal grounding on gravel. Wiggling his head around on the couch arm, in what seems like a useless attempt to get comfortable.

_ I'm doing this for Dean. _

I shift again in my chair, as Dean continues to wiggle around on the couch, rubbing against it like a dog on cool grass.

_ He is taking all of this a lot harder than me. _

_ So in hopes of keeping some of his peace of mind. I have continued being my good ole self, and not show when I got too in my head to read, too in pain to smile, too distressed to feel real emotions... _

I adjusted my long body once again and forced an exaggerated groan.

“Dean, just turn on some cartoons or something if you're so bored.”

_ Forcing banter when all I want to do is cry. _

Dean's head shot up immediately to glare at me.

“Hell no! I don't need to watch cartoons, Those are for children Sam!

I'm nit kid!”

His nostrils flare in annoyance, but I knew it was pointed more at himself than at me.

I raise my eyebrow at him, slim legs crossing at the ankles.

“Oh really?

Then how come you can't sit still for more than ten minutes Dean?”

Said man groaned in annoyance throwing his hands up in the air.

“Oh I don't know Sam!

Maybe beause you have been sitting there for over an hour reading your dimb book!”

His voice rang out across the small room, as he leveled me with stink eyes. It went quiet after that, the echo of his yell fading as I stared at him while he stared at me. Green meeting hazel in a stubborn battle. 

My eyes took in Dean's hunched shoulders, the small grit to his teeth, up to his messy blonde locks and down to his balding calves. I then sighed softly, looking at Dean with a more gentle expression.

“ Dean.”

I started,

“We have only been sitting here for fifteen minutes.”

_ Cue panic. _

Dean's eyebrows furrowed in confusion before he shook his head roughly.

“No, No way, We- You- We came in here at 12:30 somethin and...”

His eyebrows furrowed even deeper down onto his face, the fluffy strands of hair grazing long lashes, as he lost himself in thought.

“Dean, 

It's only just now turned 12:50.”

I said softly, as I watched with concern as he stared down at the ground, mouth agape in confusion.

_ Oh Dean. _

I sighed, sitting up back straight in the armchair, closing the ancient book with a dull thud, causing more dust to fly into the air.

“Dean,

It's not your fault that you lost track of time.

We both knew this was bound to happen eventually ok?”

Dean looked up at me, pink lips pulled into a frown.

“ I mean with all the other changes your body is going through right now with the,

Subtle loss of balance and coordination, the sudden mood swings, the difficulty with speech, the fact that you can now sleep more than four hours a day.”

Dean looked away from me then, and as much as I wanted to stop, to just leave him to wallow in self pity like I too wanted… _.the old Sam wouldn't have done that. _

“And not to mention the hair loss Dean.”

I pointed down to Dean's bared balding calf that peeked out from underneath basketball shorts. Dean crossed his legs, Eyes avoiding mine. 

“What i'm getting at here is we both knew more changes would happen, so please don't beat yourself up over the fact that you lost track of time.”

_ Please. _

_ One of us has to stay strong. _

And just like a rubber band Dean snapped forward pushing all of his held back anger toward me.

“Screw you Samantha!”

He screamed, stumbling to get up from the couch. My eyes went wide, body adjusting forward on its own accord, prepared to catch him if he fell.

That only fueled his anger,

“FUck you to hell Sam! 

Ok.

I can't help it if I lose twack of time! Or- Or that-”

His hands flew around in circles as his mind tried to form words.

“My Whole sistem is out of whack!

Has been ever since my damn birthday 

It's like-”

He went to throw his hands up but lost his balance and stumbled over his feet a little. I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood as I forced myself to sit still,  _ helping him will only make it worse. _

“Someone hit the sistem restart button inside me Sam!

Ok?!

I- I dint know whats going on with me,

Nor did I freakin ask for this to happen!!!”

He glared down at the ground, with teary green eyes, one's that broke through the screwed up parts of my mind and hit that spot that was reserved only for family.

“Dean. 

It's ok.”

He scuffed at my words, shaky hands coming up to wipe away un shed tears.

“We will figure this out together like we always do. 

Alright? 

It's not like this is the worst thing we have been through together either, we have been through far worse shit then this and have always ended up on top.”

Dean gave a weary chuckle, and I smiled a small genuine one.

“You're gonna make it through this Dean,

Even if I have to sell my soul to make sure you do.”

_ We both will. _

I thought as I stood up and quietly approached Dean's shakey figure.

_ We will survive this. _

Dean rolled his eyes, chuckling as he finally looked up at me, expression mirroring mine as we stared at each other.

“ Now look who's bein over dramatic.”

He said lightly to ease the tension, I let my tense limbs loosen and a rough laugh leave chapped lips.

_ If you only knew the half of it Dean. _

The light moment didn't last however, as it was cut off by the shrill of Dean's ringtone.

Both of our eyes snap across the room to his ringing phone, I look away first and back to Dean expextendly. But instead of making a move toward the shrieking phone, he just stood there watching the lit up phone ring, until it finally stopped ringing and the brightness faded away.

“You know you should call them back Dean or at least text Charlie. They have been worried sick about you since they heard what happened on your birthday. They have even called me a few times, and you know Charlie is really worried about something when she calls us both.”

_ Though I don't blame him for going radio silent, I know if I could I would have as well. _

Dean sighs lightly as he runs pale hands over his freckled face, letting his body fall back against the couch cushions with a thud.

“I know Sam I know, I just-”

He pulls his hands away from his face and flops them down onto the cushions with a frustrated shrug.

“I don't know what I should say.”

Dean looks back at me with wide lost eyes.

“I'm sorry for nit callin you guys even though you're probably pissin yourself worried about me- Bit I have been havin a really tough time since mi birthday. I mean I can't even eat freakin pie by myself let alone appopiate a Damn phone.”

I watch with a practiced calm as Dean works himself up into another tissy, voice sharpening, and hands flopping. He sighs running his left hand through messy hair.

The room falls silent for a beat of a heart.

“I think I would just start with I'm sorry.”

Dean lifts his face up to yell at me but was cut off by the ringing of my phone. I sigh before reaching into the pocket of red plaid and checking the caller ID.

**Charlie.**

“That would be them.”

I say to Dean before sliding my thumb across smooth glass, and bringing the phone up to my ear.

“Hello?” 

I answer, with as little hesitation as I could, but knowing Charlie she was going to implode over Dean's audacity.

Dean smacks his mouth shut and glares up at me.

"Sam! 

What is going on with Dean? He still hasn't answered my calls and I'm honestly starting to get worried. Have you heard from him at all? Should we be worried or-"

I cut Charlie's rant of,

“Hey Charlie.

Yeah I have heard from Dean,

Actually he is sitting right in front of me.”

Dean's eyes went comically wide as he shook his head roughly trying to signal that he didn't want to talk.

_ I ignored him. _

"WHAT!

HE'S HOME!

Oh that stubborn little-

Can I talk to him?

I want to give him my peace of mind."

“Yeah, of course you can talk to him,

He-”

Before I could even finish my sentence to Charlie, Dean takes off out of the room.

“HEY!!!”

I yell out as Dean stumbles his way across the room, nearly falling before catching himself last minute.

"What?

Did I say something?

Do you not want me to speak to him Sam?

I thought you of all people would understand that-"

“No, No, Not you Charlie hold on-"

I pulled the phone away from my ear,

"DEAN!!”

Dean giggled in response as he skidded to a stop in front of Bobby's staircase, I watched with a pale face and lump in my throat as Dean looked up the flight of stairs.

I immediately set my feet into gear, bounding toward Dean in hopes of stopping him before he killed himself. 

But as soon as I got close enough to catch Him, Dean sprung up the first step.

_ Oh fuck. _

“Damnit, DEAN!!!

Don't run up the stairs you'll kill yourself!!”

Almost on cue to my words he stumbled on the top step, and barley caught himself from falling off the rail.

_ My stomach hit my ass and I swore I was going to vomit all over Bobby's ugly carpet. _

“Oh my god!

DEAN!!!"

I lifted the phone back up to my ear long enough to say,

"Hold on a second Charlie!”

Before hitting mute and shoving the phone back into my shirt pocket.

I took off up the rickety stairs, the echo of my feet filling the whole house, as I frantically climbed after Dean,who was slipping and stumbling his way down the upstairs hallway.

“Dean! STOP! Running in the-"

I stubbed my toe against the edge of one stair. "God damn-" I then stumbled over the next one before regaining my balance. "Hallway!!!!”

I heard Dean yell out in victory, as I propelled myself down the hallway to see Dean at the bathroom door.

“Dean!”

I yelled out in warning but I only got a middle finger in response before he slammed the bathroom door closed in my face.

“Dean Winchester!”

I jiggled the doorknob before pushing on the door, my patience thinning.

“Open this door right now!”

“Sorry Sammy but you're not a caegiver, a switch, OR a dom.

your demans won't work on me.”

I groaned in annoyance at how sure he sounded of himself even when he didn't know my category.

I banged at the door in hopes it would collapse under my thundering hands. I was just about to say fuck it and kick the door down when the voice of my savoir sounded.

“Where you boys at?”

_ Thank God for Bobby. _

“UP HERE BOBBY!

DEAN LOCKED HIMSELF IN THE BATHROOM AGAIN, AND STILL REFUSES TO CALL CHARLIE AND JO!!!”

I hear Bobby sigh loudly as he makes his way down the small hallway, he shoots me an irritated look, eyes tired as he pats my back with a calloused hand.

“Move Sam, I got it.”

I step back against the wood paneled wall, as Bobby speaks into chipped paint.

“Dean Winchester you get your ass outta that bathroom this instant and go call those poor girls.They are worried Damn near sick about you.”

I shuffle my feet, sharp teeth ripping into chapped flesh again as I listen to Bobby speak.

_ I'm happy I'm not the one in trouble, _

_ Bobby's Dom voice is pretty scary. _

“BObbby.”

Dean whined in protest,

“That’s nit far to use that damn voice on me.”

_ Actually it's plenty fair. _

The bathroom door then swung open revealing a disheveled Dean. I painted a smirk on my face, swiftly licking my lips and hiding any stray blood.

Bobby turned his hand out to me, and without a word I drop my phone into the palm of Bobby's hand, but not before unmuting the line.

Bobby then pressed the phone into Dean's face, “Here, Take Sam’s phone and talk to The girls, they are still on the other line too so don't even think about runnin off again.”

The muffled sound of Charlie's yells taunted Dean as he slowly took the phone from Bobby's palm.

“Oh and boy.”

Bobby added before Dean could leave

“Stop givin your brother so much trouble, you know he is only tryin to watch out for you.”

I fought back a frown as I knew where Bobby's words would hit.

_ Low blow Bobby. _

Dean was quiet for a few seconds before he nodded his head,

“Yes Sir.”

Bobby's shoulders relaxed,

“Good, now go talk to those girls and when you're done come back out here cause we’re gonna go grocery shoppin.

And yes you are goin so don't even think about protestin.”

Dean sighed softly, nodding his head once again, as I held my sigh in at the thought of leaving the house.

Dean started walking out of the bathroom,

with my phone held in his hand with a death grip. 

I swallowed the lump in my throat and sent Dean a quick smirk, before Bobby noticed and yanked me down the hallway.

The vice grip on my arm faded all too soon, as Bobby looked at me with disappointment.

“Boy, don't make me get after your ass too.”

Dean snorted lightly before he disappeared down the hallway, as Bobby proceeded to give me a lesson about respect.

The soft click of Dean's door sounded through the hallway as Bobby halted his lecture on cue with the click.

I looked up confused as Bobby just sighed, re adjusting his cap and staring at me with Sad brown eyes.

"You got blood on your chin boy."

Bobby's voice was soft with concern as a spark of fear went through me, my hand coming up quickly to wipe away the drying line of blood.

"Sam."

I refuse to look the older male in the eye as he assesses my frame, no doubt taking in the slunch of my shoulders, the bags under my eyes and all of the little signs of exhaustion Dean was too busy to notice.

"Sam, if you ever need to talk about somethin you know you can come to me can't cha?"

I shot a glance up at Bobby's face before looking back down to the grooves of the floorboards below.

"Course Bobby."

It fell silent between us, Bobby swallowing in all of his worry while I bit back my fear.

"Ok.

Well you know where I am if ya need me."

I nod my head, hair flopping and hitting me in the forehead, blinking watery eyes as the sound of Bobby's footsteps fade down the hallway.

I huff a laugh, as one warm tear fall's free from my eyes and daf nces it's way down my tan cheek before leaping off my chin and down onto my shirt.

I sniff back more tears as the ends of my hair tickle my nose.

_ And that's how I spend the next ten minutes, crying and trembling in the drafty hallway as I tried so desperately to pull my despair inside my chest and lock it back up to be forgotten. _

\-------------------------------

February 5th,

Four years ago.

“What's Wrong Dean?”

Dean jumps at the sound of my voice, causing me to bite back a frown as he looks my frame over in the mirror, taking in my slouched form, my upper back that was pressed uncomfortably against the door frame, all the way back up to my face, letting teary green eyes search; for what I wasn't sure. But once he found it he shrugged.

“Nothin, I’m fine.”

_ Ah, so that's the game we are playing today. _

I thought as Dean turned his back to me and sat down onto his small twin mattress. I shake my head in exasperation, hazel eyes rolling as socked feet walked into Dean's cave.

I look from Dean to his finger printed mirror, before an idea entered my head.

_ I swear, you better laugh Dean or I might just die of embarrassment. _

“Look what you've done.

You made my big brother upset.”

I said in the most stern voice I could muster while pointing at a mirror and sending it what Dean calls my "bitch face" which of course reflected right back at me.

_ God, this is stupid. _

“ You better leave Dean alone, or else I'll shatter you. You hear me mirror?

SHATTER YOU.”

I bit the sore spot on my tongue as I tried desperately to keep a serious face, all while maintaining my angry pose.

_ Come on Dee... _

Then Dean giggled, his shoulder's scrunching up, as his head leaned back, his once broken expression splitting now into a childlike happiness.

_ Thank God. _

And just like that I felt myself smile, a real cheek splitting smile, one where you could physically see my eyes lighting up.

_ And ok. _

_ Maybe I can forget the fact that I talked to a mirror and just focus on the fact that I made Dee giggle. _

I stepped away from the mirror, happy now that my job was done, and leaned my body against the wall opposite Dean.

“So what were you and the other Dean fighting about?”

I asked casually, with a head tilt gesture to the mirror.

Dean immediately frowned, causing me to frown as well, he shrugged his shoulders before wrapping his arms around his torso.

“ Thinkin bout meetin Cas somewhere to talk about.”

He waved his hands at his sides,

“ Whatever is goin on between us.”

I nodded my head, resting my hands in my pockets, my long legs stretched out slightly as my back supported most of my weight as I leaned.

_ I was trying to fake a casual demeanor when all I really wanted to do was smack Dean and say "then do it already!" _

“ I think that sounds like a great idea Dean.”

Dean lifted his eyebrows, clearly surprised but smiled anyway at the reassurance.

“ Where are you thinking of meeting him?”

_ Hopefully not here. _

Dean shrugged again, something that is really turning into a habit.

“ I don't know.

Anytime I leave the house it's like he knows an he just shows up there ready to talk.

So I figured I would go somewhere quiet and he would just show up.”

I nod my head in agreement, teeth nipping at the sore on my tongue.

_ That's because he sees you as his already. _

_ You are compatible, so he is syncing up with you and no doubt at home right now nesting.  _

_ “ _ How about I just call him and tell him to meet us somewhere?”

_ At least if I make the plans he won't be able to back out as easily. _

Dean furrows his eyebrows mouth twitching and eyes narrowing. He glares up at me with his arms tightening their hold they had on his torso.

“Ya have his number!

An you didn't think to tell me?!”

I ignore his outburst and instead continue to talk like Dean never spoke.

“ I think we can meet at the coffee place off of Asia. Castiel mentioned before that a family member of his owns it

…….

Maybe a brother or something?

I forgot exactly who he said.”

_ Was it his brother? I think it was.  _

_ A um- G something…. _

“Wow 

Wow 

Wow!”

_ Or Maybe it was a cousin? _

“Wait a second!

Not only have ya been hiding the fact that you have Cas's number!

BUT Ya also talk to the guy enough to know his brother owns a coffee shop?!”

Again I ignore him.

“Yeah I think that would be a great place to meet.”

I say nodding to himself, giving myself a mental pat on the back.

“I think he mentioned that they have private eating rooms there. You guys could go in one of those and I can stay upfront and wait till you all are done talking.”

I nod to myself again in validation.

_ Good idea Sam. _

I push myself away from the wall,

“Yeah that sounds like a good idea

I'm going to go call him and see if we can meet up in an hour. Pick out an outfit you want to wear in the meantime. I'll let you know when we are leaving.”

I shot Dean one last glance before leaving the room and shutting the door behind me.

__

“Sam! 

Wait-what the hell is-

SAMMM!”

Dean yells loudly, but I ignore his tantrum and instead make the way to my room to call Cas.

When I reach my door I hear something thump in the distance before Bobby yells

“Boy if You don't quit throwing shit at my walls I'll put your ass in time out!!!”

I huff out a laugh before opening and closing my door. I plop down onto the modified twin, sliding my phone out of my shirt pocket. I scroll through the names in my phone before landing on

**Castiel.**

I blow out a deep breath, foot tapping on my floor before hitting the dial button.

**Ring** _. _

_ Who would have known that when Castiel called me that night of Dean's birthday. _

**Ring.**

_ He would later save my number to his own phone because he felt like he would need it in the future. _

**Ring.**

_ And when I was kept awake in the middle of the night from nightmares, he would call me in perfect timing, just as I held a razor in a shaky hand. _

**Ri-**

"Sam?

Hello.

Is everything ok?"

"Cas!

Hi.

Uh-yeah actually everything is better than fine."

I hesitated on the lie but quickly kept talking before Cas inquired more.

"Actually I'm not calling for me,

I'm actually calling for Dean."

"What?

Is he-Is he ok-do I need to come down there or to a hospital?

OH is he-"

"Wow Cas, relax."

I laughed without humor.

"Dean is fine.

Great actually, to the point where he wants to meet you later today at that Cafe you told me about."

"A- Archangel?"

"Yep that's the one.

How does one sound?

It gives you about ...."

I checked the time on my phone

"Thirty minutes to get ready?"

"I-Um-YES.

I mean yes, yes of course one pm sounds great Sam I- thank you so much Samual."

A smile twitched at the corner of my mouth, 

"Of course Cas, I owed you one anyway."

I say softly, bloody fingernails picking at the hole on my right sock.

"You don't owe my anything Sam."

The line went quiet before Cas said,

"I'll see you guys at one.

Goodbye."

**Click.**

\--------------------------------

February, 7th 

Four years ago.

I sigh, shoulders slouching back against the wall at the sound of Cas's car pulling out of the driveway, making a wave of exhaustion run through me. I blink my one good eye, raising a bloodied hand to wipe away the crust from my swollen one. The thrum of pain running through my being both a comfort and a nuisance.

I hear footsteps descend the hallway, the  _ smack, smack _ of Bobby's feet ring in my ears like a note from a violin, just carrying on forever, dragging out my anticipation before the big drop.

I hear Bobby sigh before he slowly creaks open my bedroom door, I tilt my aching head up to look at him, his figure was blurry and misshapen but through the blur I could see the distinct lines of a frown.

"How ya holding up boy?"

I scuff, my throat protesting at the movement.

"My body feels lika live wire, evertin looks lika Van Gogh paintin and I think I've wallowed enough blood to sssubdue a vampire."

I like my chapped bruised lips to prove my point, blood trickles out of the cut there and Bobby's figure shudders.

"Well if ya stop doin that it might stop bleedin."

I try to roll my eyes but just hiss out in pain when the bad eye catches on my eyelid.

Bobby bends down to my slouched form, his knees cracking as he kneels beside me. 

"Do ya need any help cleaning up the cuts n stuff?"

Bobby's voice was soft now, his concern starting to seep through his words.

I go to shake my head but freeze when my neck cramps.

"No Bobby."

I close my eye with a bone deep sigh, head leaning back against the brown wall.

"Juss leave me here to die."

_ And ok, maybe that was a little dramatic. But my point still stands. _

Bobby grumbles something under his breath before I hear him shuffle around on the ground until he is sitting next to me, head against the wall.

"Look,"

_ Here we go. _

"I know we all know Dean is taking his results hard. But Dean not only has us, but Castiel too. N'sure he is still strugglin but that was bound to happen because, well I hate to speak ill of the dead, but John was a balls father."

I chuckle, head swaying to the side, stomach clenching painfully as I open my right eye to look at Bobby.

Bobby smiles softly at the sound.

"Point is, Dean's gonna be alright, he's got people."

Bobby bends his knees, his hands coming down to rest on them.

"But you don't."

I held back a groan behind clenched teeth.

"Sam."

Bobby lays a hand on my sweatpant covered knee.

"No one can help ya- I can't help ya if you don't just- tell me what you're thinkin every once in a while."

I shake my knee in agitation, Bobby drops his hand.

"You have people who care for ya Sam, and who don't give a flyin monkeys ass what category you were placed in."

_ I didn't respond. _

"This journey you're about to go on, is gonna get a hell of a lot harder Samual. Don't cha want people in your court when things start to get ugly?"

"Thingss are already ugly Bobby."

Said man sighs.

"But cha don't have to be alone Sam. You got me, Charlie, Jo, Dean- hell even Cas."

I turn my head away from Bobby, the pain in my muscles a nice distraction from the conversation at hand.

"I tried." 

Bobby said more to himself than me, before climbing back up from the hard floor.

Once up, Bobby pauses at the door.

" I'm not going anywhere Sam."

Bobby says in a soft tone before closing the door shut behind him with a click.

As soon as the door shuts it's like a flood gate opens in my eyes causing tears to run down and mix with blood, dripping like watercolor off my chin and splattering onto bruised knuckles.

A scream rips its way through my throat, but I choke, holding it captive inside letting it echo on my mind and burn against my vocal chords.

_ “DEAN!" _

**_Punch_ ** _. _

My hands rip at strands of hair.

_ “STOP!”  _

**_Punch_ ** __

My breath comes out in heaves, chest compulsing.

_ “DAD! _

_ NO I'M SORRY! I PROMISE I-!”  _

**_Crunch_ ** _.  _

I clench my hands together until they turn red and ache.

_ “oh yeah? _

_ And what are you going to do about it slender boy?!”  _

**_Crunch_ ** _. _

I arch my back as I try to suck in as much air into my lungs as possible, eyes screwed shut in hopes that the pain would stop.

_ That it would just go away, that it would just leave. _

My bottom lip trembles, a string of bloody salvia dangling from it.

_ Why won't it just stop? _

\----------------------------------------

April 11th,

Four years ago.

"Sammy!"

My head immediately shoots up from it's laying position, eyes lighting up as I let out a shocked,

"Oh my god Dean?!"

I sit up back straight as a ruler, long longs landing on the carpeted floor with a  **thump** .

"How are you? How is everything? Is Cas treating you alright? What about your limbo is it gone? Are you eating well? What are you eating are-"

Dean lets out a breathy giggle, cutting my rant off suddenly, my eyes widen on how casually he does it; like he does it every day.

_ Holy shit Cas is a miracle worker. _

"Woah, woah, woah, there Sammy, calm down I can only answer so many questions at once."

I shrug my shoulders, laughing as embarrassment paints the chuckle pink. 

"Sorry Dean, 

I-I just missed you, is all."

A genuine grin graces my face, the action causes my cheeks to ache at the forgotten feeling. My legs kick at a stray piece of paper as Dean speaks.

"Ah shucks Sammy, you get me all tingly when you say that."

My face scrunches in disgust, lip curling as I scuff, "Ew gross man."

Dean laughs lightly, the sound temporarily feeling a void in my heart.

"Sorry, not sorry Sammy."

There is the sound of shuffling on the other line as Dean gets comfortable.

"But to answer your questions Samantha.

I'm fine, 

and no- not like before like  **really** fine.

Everything here is going surprisingly well, Cas is a perfect gentleman."

The last part of his sentence was cut off by the sound of some kind of fabric  _ crinkling _ .

My eyes narrow,  _ was that- that sounded like a baby toy. The ones with the little crinkling shiny bits. Is Dean-  _ Dean's voice rips up my thoughts.

"My limbo is good, all gone now Cas says.

He made me go to a little doctor to see if it was in fact all gone, and while I did  **not** like that office at all- I mean cotton candy colored walls really? Talk about tacky."

I hold back a chuckle,  _ of course Dean would have a problem with the wall colors and not the fact that Cas  _ **_made him go._ **

"But the doctor wasn't too bad, doctor Hannah I think her name was-"

I looked down at my lap, hand picking at the food stains on my pants.  _ Dean seemed to have changed so much. _

"Anyway she said I was good to go, all cured up and everything."

I pulled the phone back just in time to let out a sigh of relief.

_ Good, good. _

_ I'm glad one of us is getting better. _

"And well as far as food goes, Cas is a great cook. Though I don't get pie and pizza as much as I want, It's still good. Except for the kale, I hate it, It's like spenich's lonely depressed cousin."

I chuckled at this, body leaning forward into my laugh, long hair falling down to frame my face as I tried not to swallow said strands as I laughed.

"God bless kale."

I say in between breaths, Dean snorted in reply.

_ No doubt thinking of the same memory as I was. _

Once our laughter died down, and I was able to get an adequate amount of air back into my lungs

I spoke,

"I Know I don't say this often Dean, but I'm really proud of you, and I'm happy that you have finally found that slice of apple pie, you have been dreaming off our whole lives."

_ I'm so happy that you can have that life that you deserve. The life that John refused to give us, the life I couldn't give you. _

"Uh."

Dean cleared his throat, there was a rustling sound on the line as he shifted his body.

I waited with baited breath as Dean organized his thoughts carefully before disregarding them completely and instead changed the subject.

"Anyway the reason why I'm calling you is because Cas agreed to let me invite everyone for a cookout today, and I mean, 

I know it's hot as hell outside,

But-"

"Of course Dean!"

I said maybe too excitedly

_ Any chance to get out of this gloomy ass house I was down. _

"Bobby and I would love to come to the cookout.

Well I would, I will just have to lure Bobby outside with a cold beer and a hand held fan."

_ Yeah Bobby isn't going to be happy about that one. _

"Awesome."

Dean says, voice practically vibrating with excitement. "I don't know what time Cas would want everyone to be here but-"

Dean's next words were cut off by the sound of a door slowly creaking open.

_ Speak of an angel and he shall appear. _

“Hey Dean, I'm about to go to the store for the cookout supplies, do you want to go to the store with me?”

Cas spoke in such a soft tone that you could practically hear his love for Dean dripping from his words like rain from the clouds.

_ What hopeless idiots. _

“No, I just wanna talk to Sammy and watch Netflix.”

_ It went silent on the line for a minute, Cas and Dean no doubt having one of those silent conversations. _

"Ok,

Well can you ask Sam if he minds coming over to watch you while I go to the store?"

Cas's voice breaks through the silence like a knife through butter.

"I don't need a sitter Cas!

I will be fine for 30 minutes without you-"

I cut off Dean,s rant,

"I'll do it. On my way now, be there in five."

I quickly jump to my feet and smash said limbs into a pair of beat down tennis shoes.

"What?!

Sam no!

don't-!"

I roll my eyes, and hang up the phone with a press of a thumb, legs already carrying me down the hallway and towards the staircase.

**Thump, thump, thump.**

I stomp a rhythm down the steps, before ending the song with one final crash as I land at the bottom of the staircase, grabbing Bobby's truck keys and beelining for the door.

***

I know on the large white door, hands shaking from nerves and head swaying side to side, making my hair swoosh with the movement.

A crash sound makes me head snap up, but before I can question the sound Dean throws the door open.

"Sammy!!!"

He squeals as he looks deep into my tired eyes, before rushing forward and hugging me around my slim middle.

I laugh, stumbling back at the sudden weight, as Dean rumbles my red plaid shirt in his hands. My arms loop around his narrow shoulders hugging him to me; soaking him in.

"Wow there Dean."

I tease, laying my messy hair on top of his own equally messy locks.

"It's only been two months not two years."

"Too long Sammy."

He says, practically inhaling my shirt.

I chuckle before patting him roughly on the back,

"Yeah, yeah."

I say as we both decide to pull back, and close the door so all the cool air doesn't escape.

Once I'm fully inside the house, Dean takes that moment to look me over.

_ This causes my stomach to tighten into knots, hoping that Dean doesn't look too closely and takes everything in at face value instead of looking at the details. _

_ Like for instance, looking at my loose shorts and not at the small bleach stains on the leg, that are from me trying to scrub away dried blood at three in the morning. _

My anxious tension is cut short by Dean complementing me.

“You look good.”

“Except for the hair.”

He gestures toward my lion main.

_ Spoke too soon. _

“ I could cut it for you if you want.”

Before I could jump in with a violent protest, Cas spoke up.

“There will be no hair cutting.”

Cas says Sternly as he appears from the hallway to the left of us.

“Sam.”

Cas says with a small smile on his face, and a tilt of his head.

“Cas.”

I smile back, and nod in return.

_ Though my smile was more of a five than a ten. _

“Please come in.”

Cas says while gesturing toward his massive open living room, that could easily fit a family of elephants, before leading Dean and I toward the couch.

_ Holy shit. _

_ Bay windows, meet high ceilings and white walls that meet fancy well kept furniture. _

I shoot Dean a wide eyed look as I mouth,

“What the hell.”

He nods eagerly, before mouthing back,

“I know right.”

“Now.”

Cas says as he turns back to face me, I quickly school my facial expression and straighten my posture.

Dean swallows a laugh.

“I'll only be gone for about twenty minutes.

No minute longer.

But in case of an emergency.”

Dean and I both watch as Cas pulls out a folded piece of paper from his pants pocket.

“Here is a list of numbers you can call if you can't reach me, which will be unlikely. 

But you never know.”

Cas shrugs as he hands me the list. I take said list with a nod of my head, hair flopping into my face as I do so.

Dean shoots a glance over at the list, before rolling his eyes as the sight of the full page.

I bite back a smirk as Dean lifts his eyebrows and shoots Cas a face, while Cas just ignores him.

"Also in case Dean goes little,

which-"

Cas makes a face, his mouth twisting 

and shoulders shrugging 

"I doubt, since he was last night-

But let me show you where his stuff is just in case."

I nod my head and follow Cas down the hall and towards what I'm assuming is Dean's room.

_ Dean of course isn't happy with this. _

"WOAH,

Woah,

Woah! "

I watch as Dean slips past me to walk beside Cas, who keeps walking.

" Cas,

It's only twenty minutes."

Dean pleads.

Cas shoots him a blank look before stepping inside his bedroom, Dean stands outside the door in disbelief, while I shoulder past him with a smirk painted onto thin lips.

"So as you can see we already redecorated the room, Dean requested that the room look

Quote

Normal on the outside and little in the closet because that's where he likes to keep his demons

End quote

So, all of his little stuff is now in here." 

I hold back a laugh at Cas's serious facial expression and quotation marks. Dean

sighs loudly as Cas slides the closet door open revealing row after row of neatly organized kids toys, ranging from teddy bears to race cars all laid in fun colored bins that sit in white shelves, surrounding a medium sized dresser with cowboy hats as handles.

_ Wow, that is- _

_ That is a lot. _

Dean walks into the room just in time for Cas to open the dresser.

"This is where we keep all of his little clothes, most of them are hand made. But the store bought ones are down at the bottom."

I hum in acknowledgement, sending Dean a teasing smile. All while my mind screams,  _ homemade?! _

Dean of course, groans in embarrassment.

Cas turns to raise an eyebrow at him, while he closes the dark drawer.

Dean sends him a heated glare,

"This is a little overkill don't you think."

Cas looks away from Dean and instead looks toward the toy chest that was tucked into the far corner of the closet.

"No not really,

Since anything can happen Dean."

Dean immediately let's out a high pitched whine,

Causing my eyes to widen in their sockets.

Then just like that Cas's face expression softens, and I have never felt so out of place in my life.

_ And that's saying something. _

Cas sighs softly before closing the closet door with a  _ hiss. _

"But I can tell you're embarrassed, so I'll stop."

"Oh thank god!"

Dean rejoiced, as I rejected the urge to sigh in relief.

Cas moves past us to get to the hallway 

"Language."

He scolds before lightly flicking Dean's shoulder who hisses in pain, before turning back to face me, I smirk down at Dean, letting him now that he is never living any of this down.

Dean glares at me before stomping out of the room, and making his way back to Cas. 

I shoot one last look around Dean's room, taking in the nice meld of childish pieces and more mature ones.

_ Cas did a great job. _

I think with one final sweep before turning on my large heel and making my way back into the oversized living room to see Cas look my way

"Got the list."

I reach into my shirt pocket and hold it up,

With a nod.

"Yes sir."

_ The words slip out before I can stop them, but thankfully Cas just smiles in surprise. _

"Dean."

Cas says, turning back to face said man, who sighs dramatically.

"Be good."

Cas says before he leans in and gives Dean a fatherly kiss on the head.

I watch with interest as Dean rolls his eyes but leans into the kiss anyway allowing myself to bask in it for a few seconds, before pulling away.

_ They are so in love, how do they not see it? _

"Ok."

Dean says gently before giving Cas a light shove toward the door, Cas allows himself to be moved, a tanned hand gripping the door knob loosely, opening the door.

"Twenty minutes."

Cas says for the final time before he slams the door shut behind himself,

Like he just finished a Broadway number.

It suddenly goes dead silent in the house.

_ Well that was something, I think while chuckling. _

Dean snaps around, and glares at me.

"Shut up."

I bite my sore lip to hold in my laughter, raising my hands up in surrender.

"I didn't say anything."

I say with fake innocence.

Dean rolls his eyes, whirling around on his heel,

"You were thinking about it."

I don't reply and instead follow Dean into the living room, where an ocean documentary was playing on the large flatscreen. A whale jumps out of the water, just as Dean plops down onto the couch.

"Make yourself at home."

Dean gestures to the rest of the bare couch from his curled up spot against a giant pillow, slinging his bare feet onto the couch.

I nod my head, Before choosing the corner spot opposite Dean, I slowly lower myself down onto the couch, hands out to steadt myself, only to fall back against the cushions at the last minute.

_ Damnit. _

Dean snorted as I struggled to sit back up and escape the cave of pillows my body escaped into, but everytime I slipped back onto the surface the couch dragged me back under. Sighing loudly, I decided to just lean back against the gray cushions.

Dean sends me a smirk, I glare in return, hazel eyes narrowing,

Framed by a sea of auburn waves and redend cheeks.

"Shut up."

I snap.

Dean puts his hands up, palms flat,

"I didn't say anything."

I roll my eyes with a huff.

"Yeah,

But you were thinking about it."

I send Dean's earlier words back at him, words sharp,

But my lips were fighting off a smile.

Dean shuffles around on the couch again, head leaning back against a gray pillow.

"So, Samantha.

Any plans for the big one, nine?"

"My names not  **Samntha** Dean,

And no not really."

I shrug, one long arm coming up to rest on the back of the couch, lips fighting off a grimace as I think about my upcoming birthday

"I think Jo, Charlie, Kevin, Ash

And I might go see a movie or something."

I say in a faux nonchalant tone.

Dean sits up a little in surprise.

"You still talk to Ash?

And Kevin?

Man I haven't heard from him since…"

Dean trails off, eyes looking far away, his mind no doubt traveling to unwanted territory.

I clear my throat

Before re adjusting myself to sit up straighter and hopefully hide my discomfort. 

"Yeah well Ash tested vanilla

And ever since then has been living the high life with no rules are regulations."

_ My thoughts trail off, wandering into a fantasy of vinalia life, one of full bodied laughs, picnics with lovers and dinners without rules. _

_ I shake myself from those thoughts before I get stuck there, no need to fixate on things that won't happen. _

"But-

We still talk on occasion.

And it would be nice to see a face other than Bobby's."

I force myself to get back into the conversation, as not to alarm Dean.

Dean huffs a laugh.

"Don't let Bobby hear you say that."

I hum in agreement, Eyes downcast and focusing on dull chipped nails picking at a pillows stray seam.

"And Kevin you know,

He's a good guy."

I look up at Dean then for confirmation,

Dean nods.

"And-"

I shift myself around so that my legs are now laying on the couch, red shoes hanging off grey cushions.

"He can't help what he tests as you know?

I mean half the test is DNA and the other is a psych eval.

And-"

I pause to keep my tone in check, blunt nails scratching at my scalp ,

A nervous tick off mine.

_ I'm speaking too much as if this was me, it's not me, this is Kevin we are talking about, not you, get it together Sam. _

"I sent an invitation to his owner in hopes that, he would let Kevin come to the party, but I haven't heard anything so who knows-"

"Wait!"

Dean cuts me off, leaning forward as he yells.

"You sent, an  **Invitation** to Crowley. Like the Crolwey. King of the freaking douchebags.

The king of being one of the worst owners.

**That** Crowley?"

I sigh, moving my hair out of my face and tucking it behind my ear.

_ Dean doesn't get it does he? _

_ Has living in luxury made him forget? _

"Yeah well, crowley is Kevin's owner Dean.

And with that type of group, you have to ask the owner if you can see their pet. Not the other way around."

A frown tugged at his lips.

_ Ah, just as I thought he did forget. _

"Yeah, I uh, that may have slipped my mind."

I nod.

"It's ok Dean. It's easy to, what, with your fancy house and your nice room and caring-"

I threw my hands up, in slight frustration. 

"Caregiver.

You have it made here."

Dean frowns and looks down towards his lap, his fingers trail over an item on his navy shorts, which were too far away for me to see clearly.

"Yeah, I do."

He smiles softly.

"So uh, If Crowley doesn't answer,

Kevin can't leave?"

My face drops.

"No reply,

No Kevin."

I see Dean move from the corner of my eye, but I can't focus on his movements when my mind is an iceberg that is one small crack away from flooding.

"That's just not right Sammy. If kevin- Is there a way for him to leave? Like if Crowley is treating him bad or-"

"Dean."

I cut him off with a soft voice, and a sad smile.

Thoughts still skating around the cracks as I lock eyes with Dean.

"If Kevin really wanted out, then yes, but only if it was proven by the government that Crolwey was breaking the Owner contract."

I sigh again, my hands coming up to rest on the top of my head.

"But we can't forget that Kevin wanted to go to Dean. He did his research on Crowley and said that he wanted to go with him."

I shift again.

"Crowley may be a hardass Dean, but that's really how all owners are. They are strict and demanding. That's just them by nature."

_ Just as sadists are ruthless and cunning, and caregivers are kind and gentle. _

"Charlie isn't like that, I mean she is a mistress, but she is not too strict on Jo. She is kind to her and only punishes her when she  **really** messes up."

I sigh yet again,  _ If sighing really let part of your soul slip away, I wouldn't have one left. _

I think as I shift long legs back onto the couch.

"Well that's a mistress Dean.

All groups are different."

I gesture with my fingers as I speak.

"Mistresses are just a tamer version of doms.

Since a man can still be a mistress, If their personality or DNA align with it."

Dean nods with pursed lips.

"Think about it this way Dean."

I turn my long body to face Dean ,without sitting up.

“Vanilla's are rule free. They can do what they please, and they can marry who they want and have kids and a happy _ normal  _ life.”

We both wince at the word normal, but I barrel on anyway.

“Mistress's, as we just talked about, are a tamer version of Dom’s. Even though Dom’s and Mistresses can both decide how they want to be,

Strict or sweet.”

Dean nod's along, Eyes distant.

“Owners are the second most strict category.

They can be as rough and as strict as they want to be toward their pet, of course as long as the Pet wants it.”

_ But of course not everyone listens to that rule. _

“The first being…”

Dean's voice brings me back.

I swallow the lump in my throat before nodding,

“Sadist, yeah.”

My voice cracks slightly on the word.

“They are the harshest people on this planet.

They are allowed to do whatever, they want to there Sub-

As long as they talk boundaries, which  **even** they have to do.”

I shift again,

Feeling uncomfortable and too tight in my own skin.

“If they don’t find a compatible sub, they can become murders, using all that anger and hatred, and sending it out toward the world. Sometimes if the sub displeases them-”

My voice breaks off, shaky hands coming up to run over my clammy face.

“They die.”

I swallow down the tears, gritting my teeth so hard that I swear I could feel the grind in my stomach.

_ I try to take deep breaths, in and out. To stop my spiraling, but it was no use, it was like putting air into an already blown tire. _

_ I covered my face with both palms, body lurching forward with the deep breaths I take. _

_ In _

_ and  _

_ out. _

_ In _

_ and  _

_ Out. _

_ Your ok,  _

_ your safe,  _

_ your- _

"Hey,

Sammy."

_ Your safe, _

_ Your fine, _

_ your fine Sam, _

_ your- _

"You know I never asked you what you got on your test."

My mind snaps back like a bullet out of a gun, posture immediately straightening, hands un covering my no doubt flushed face as my mouth sets in a grim line.

"I know."

I say, my voice like a sharpened blade.

It goes awkwardly quiet in the room then, Dean and I both tense, with the air around us so tight that I fear it might suffocate us.

"Well?"

Dean asks quietly, His green eyes meeting my red rimmed hazel ones.

"What did you get on it?"

He tries again, but I just sniff as a reply, Shaking my head in answer. 

"Did you know that caregivers are some of the nicest people in this world? The government always paints them as these fallen angels, and before I met Cas I thought it was bull.

You know?"

Dean frowns, Face heartbroken, no doubt realizing what I was trying to do.

"But now that I've met Castiel I can say with confidence that they really are just the  **nicest** people.”

Dean just stares at me with watery eyes that I try to ignore in favor of not crying myself.

"Sammy I-"

Dean's next words were thankfully cut off by Castiel walking through the door,

"See I told you guys, look at that twenty minutes on the dot."

I jump up from the couch and onto the opportunity of a distraction.

" Hey Cas, that looks like a lot of groceries to carry, here let me help you with that."

"Oh..."

I walk quickly over to Cas and pluck some of the bags from his hands,

Before rushing into the open kitchen to set them down.

I quickly unpack the paper bags before realizing that I have no clue where anything goes.

_ Shit. _

As a last resort I throw open a random bottom cabinet, and chuck the sack of potatoes in there before hastily shutting it.

"Dean,

Why don't you come help me get the fruit platter set up,

While Sam Calls our guests."

A wave of relief hits me as I gently place the last items onto the white marble counter.

"That's a good idea Cas,

I'll just go into the hallway and call everyone."

I say softly before exiting the kitchen with ninja light steps.

\---------------------------------------------

_ Later that same day, _

_ Four years ago _

I stand in the entryway, watching Dean and Cas move around the kitchen like a well oiled machine, when one moves the other follows, so in sync that as they move one blurred into the other.

It was flawless, it was beautiful,  _ it was making me sick. _

_ The ease at which they moved, the comfort they had, the trust they placed into each other. I hate to use the word jealous, but well…. _

Before the green could consume me and boil over and out of my seams, Dean glanced up at me, cheeks pink and eyes glossy.

_ Yeah, _

_ I'm here, hi. _

Cas and Dean locked eyes once more,

Green searching blue.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, but gave into the temptation to clear my throat.

Once I was sure they were paying attention to me, I moved a stray piece of hair behind my ear before I spoke.

"Charlie and Jo will be here in ten and Bobby will be here in twenty, he is not happy that I took his truck so he said he is going to take twenty to get here instead of five in protest.”

Dean laughs at this, his head tipping back, messy blonde locks falling into his eyes,

As he cackles.

_ The way Castiel watched him as he laughed, was a total look of devotion. Like Dean was the one who rose and hung the moon. _

"Always the drama queen."

Dean says, completely unaware of Cas's real feelings.

"Don't let him hear you say that or that twenty will be an hour."

I retort watching as Dean snorts and Cas smiles wide

"So I'm guessing Bobby has always been that way?"

Cas asks over the sound of the faucet running.

I scuff, leaning my back against the counter opposite him.

"What dramatic or fashionably late?"

Dean asks, causing me to snort.

I shift my legs and cross my arms, leaning my head against the white frame before speaking,

"Yeah,

Bobby has been this way as long as I can remember."

Dean nods his head at this,

"Yeah, you're lucky you only had to deal with it for 18 years."

He says pointing toward me, Cas turns to look at Dean as he shuts off the water.

_ Eyes glued and focused on the smaller male. _

"Man I remember, when you were just a baby and Dad would take us over to Bobby's for the weekend."

__

Dean wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and crosses his legs,

_ Something he does when excited _ .

__

"Dad would just haul us both in Baby, one bag between the two of us, and he would just drive."

Dean makes a sliding motion with his right hand, his left one coming down to support his weight against the counter.

__

"He never told me where we were going, but I knew that as soon as we got in the car, he was takin us to uncle Bobby's."

__

Cas frowned, shifting his weight uncomfortably.

__

"Man, we would drive and drive sometimes all night, before we finally reached Bobby's and when we did, I remember dad hauling us both out of the Car bag slung over his shoulder, your little six month old self in his other hand, and Bobby would just storm out of the house with this-"

__

When Dean laughed, I looked past his head and shot Cas a sad smile, which he returned with equally sad eyes.

__

"Wild look in his eyes, his shirt would be backwards and his shoes on the wrong feet. He looked like he just crawled out of a cave."

__

_ Or straight out of bed. _

__

"I remember he would give Dad so much hell for coming with no warning, yellin and screamin like he was the starring role in a drama film."

__

_ I don't know how Dean finds this funny, it's just a sad tale of two abused little boys. _

__

"But when dad left he would take us both inside and feed you a bottle while he let me watch Scooby Doo until I feel asleep on the couch."

__

It goes silent.

__

I stare at the tile behind Dean's face, trying to push thoughts of strained voices, sleepless nights, green surrounded by splotches of purple, bloody knuckles and split knees out of my mind.

__

I clear my throat loudly ,

"I'm going to go get the grill started for the burgers.” 

__

Before anyone could protest I already made my way across the room, and out the sliding back door.

\----------------

I turn my head to the right to check on the heating grill, and pause when I see a flash of red.

__

_ Charlie. _

__

I run to the sliding back door, wiping it open with excitement bubbling up my throat, making me hop around like an overexcited bunny.

__

"Charlie!" I yelp out a wide smile splitting my face in half only for it to be yanked away as my legs suddenly give out underneath me causing me to fall straight onto my ass.

__

"Oh my gosh!"

__

"Sam? What-"

__

"Are you okay Samuel?"

__

I look up at Charlie with wide hazel eyes and pouty lips, "I tripped." 

__

"Yeah, we say that big guy." Charlie giggled as she reached down and yanked me up- or well would have if she didn't slip on the doormat.

__

"Wha!"

__

So that's how we all ended up bent over at the waist cackling like hyenas when Dean walked into the room.

__

“What’s so funny?”

He asked leaning against the door frame that I was leaning on just thirty minutes prior.

__

Cas’s head whips around at the sound of Dean's voice, but he doesn't have time to speak before Jo does.

__

“Sam opened the sliding door so fast that he fell straight onto his ass, and when Charlie ran over to help him up, she fell onto her ass too.”

__

Dean laughed, as Charlie and I tried to call our manic giggling. I shake my head with deep breaths out of my nose, tears obscuring my vision.

__

"I Didn't mean to fall! Sam just looked so betrayed by his long gangly-"

__

"Hey!"

I cut in with false defensiveness, laughing finally under control.

__

"limbs that I got distracted and fell!"

__

"Mmhmm sure babe."

__

"Are you testing me Joanna?"

__

Jo falls silent and shakes her head, eyes downcast.

"No Charlie."

__

Charlie grins in aprovel,

"Good."

__

Her eyes shifted from her Submissive to Dean's Caregiver.

__

"Now Cas, Is there anything we can do to help?

Any food that needs to be fixed before Bobby gets here?"

__

Cas smiles a wide pleased smile,

"Yes, actually! There are some potatoes that need to be prepared and cooked and a salad that still needs to be made. I figured those two sides, a fruit platter and some chips to go with the burgers was enough."

__

Cas says the last part like he is still unsure whether that was a good choice or not. But it seems like Charlie's bright smile is enough to put his anxiety at ease.

__

"No. That sounds great Cas! I'll get the salad prepared,

While Jo and Sam work on the potatoes?"

__

She says the last part as a question, shooting me a look, eyebrows raised and mouth drawn down, eyes wide. I smile softly in reply to the acquiring look.

__

"Yeah, no, that sounds like a great plan Charlie.

Where are the potatoes Cas?"

__

"I don't know Sam you were the one who put them away earlier."

__

_ Oh yeah. _

__

I laugh awkwardly, face tinting pink and feet shuffling.

__

"Yeah, your right, I'll just find those and then we will get started."

__

I squat down, shoulders hunched over as I look through every cabinet in the kitchen, trying not to look frustrated or frantic but seeming to fail because the room fills to the brim with laughter, causing me to scramble more in embarrassment.

__

_ Yes! _

I think to myself as I clutch the potatoes to my chest like a lifeline

__

"Ah, here we go."

I say in a rush, turning to face everyone as I hold up the bag of potatoes.

__

My face was no doubt completely pink, as my shaggy hair obscured my vision. I went to stand up but the potatoes dragged on the floor causing me to almost slip again, Dean howled in laughter as I struggled to get my footing. As soon as I managed to toss the bag of potatoes onto the counter, I shot me a venomous stare.

__

_ Jerk. _

__

I blew my bangs out my face, 

"Shut up."

__

I watched through narrowed eyes as Dean wiped tears from his eyes, flipping his hands palm out as he struggled to breathe.

__

"Iddn't say anythin."

__

I huff and aggressively open the bag of potatoes causing everyone in the room to fall into another fit of giggles.

__

_ Bunch of assholes, the lot of them. _

__

"Ok, ok everyone, let's leave Sam alone."

Cas says in a fatherly tone .

__

Dean pouts and throws his shoulders down, like a sullen toddler.

"But Casss, that's the best part of my day."

__

Cas shoots him a look and surprisingly Dean stops

__

_ What a neat trick. _

__

I shoot Dean a sly smirk when he glances my way.

__

"Dean? How about you and I go outside and cook the burgers?

I'm sure the grill is hot enough now."

__

"Course Cas." 

__

Cas smiles at Dean like the sun looks at the earth each morning, eyes crinkling and pink gums peeking out from underneath pale lips.

__

"Perfect."

__

Cas says happily as he walks across the room and grabs the hamburger patties from the fridge.

__

"Dean,

Wash your hands and meet me outside."

__

Cas then turns on his gym shoe clad feet and walks outside.

__

"Bossy."

Dean grumbles causing me to laugh and him to flare his nostrils, which I just tilt my head to in turn. 

“Karmas a bitch Dean.”

__

“You're a Bitch.”

He grumbles under his breath stalking toward the Sink.

__

“LANGUAGE DEAN!”

__

Said man throws his hands up in disbelief,

“HOW DO YOU HEAR EVERYTHING?!”

__

Cas doesn't reply, Dean glares down at the sink while he washes his hands,

_ He looks so sullen. _

__

Brown eyes glance at me while pink lips giggle, I chuckle in return, my own eyes scrunching at the corners.

__

Dean roughly shuts off the faucet, stalking toward the glass door.

__

"So grumpy Dean!"

__

"Yeah Dean, why the long face!

We are just picking at you!"

I chime in.

__

Dean doesn't reply, instead he slides the glass door open and steps out onto the large back deck.

__

As soon as Dean is out of sight I turn back to face the kitchen, to see Charlie getting started on the salad while Jo is already cutting potatoes. 

__

"You can help at any time."

__

"Oh!

Right sorry."

__

I scramble over to the marble island, Jo hands me a knife and I take it making sure our knuckles don't brush, Jo notices this, but thankfully doesn't say anything about it, letting our trio fall into silence. 

__

Charlie chopped a cucumber while Jo mashed her potatoes. Just like Dean and Cas they too moved in harmony. Even with their tasks separate from each other, they still managed to be in sync.

__

I hissed as the knife I was chopping carelessly with nicked my left index finger, Jo glanced at me but before she could see the blood I hastily wiped it onto my black shorts.

__

"Here is the rest of the potatoes. "

I scooped up what was on my trey and dropped it into the hot pot of water, watching the water splash out of the water pot and shower my tanned arm with a splash of pain.

__

"So what's up with you?"

__

I glanced over to Jo thinking she saw the boiling water hit me, but she was occupied with squashing and grinding.

__

"What do you mean?"

I lean my weight back against the counter, watching the blonde with calculating eyes.

__

"I  **mean** ."

She pushes all of her weight into the next mash.

"You have been acting strange all day, something up?"

__

I glanced over at Charlie expecting her to jump in with her two cents, when she kept slicing her already thin cucumber, I knew I was in trouble.

__

I swallow the lump in my throat and shrug heavy shoulders.

__

"I don't know what you're talking about Jo, I'm perfectly fine, tired is all."

__

Charlie throws the cucumber pieces a bit too roughly into the plastic bowl but doesn't speak. My eyes skip from thin pale fingers to petite green clad shoulders. 

__

"Don't try that bullshit with me winchester."

__

I bristle at Jo's sudden brash tone, shoulders squaring in defiance.

__

"I have eyes you know, and anyone with those could see the bags under your eyes, the cuts and bruises littered and half heartedly hidden under your shirt. Which rides up when you move by the way."

__

I gap at Jo truly shocked by her words, Jo continues on like she hasn't uped my heart rate. French tipped nails point over her shoulder while her eyes remain forward.

__

"The potatoes should be done, bring them to me."

__

"I-"

The words get stuck in my throat while I spin around, switching the stove top off ,bringing the hot pot over to the short but aggressive woman. Jo doesn't even say thank you as she pours the pot's contents into a red strainer.

__

"So, again I ask-"

She sets the pot down with a clatter, dropping the still hot spuds into the bowl with her mashed ones.

__

"What's up?"

I opened my mouth to speak, what was going to say was still undecided but thankfully the doorbell cut me off.

__

"DEAN!!!!

BOBBY'S HERE!"

__

I yell out before I think.

_ Damnit, Sam you could have used that as an escape. _

__

"WHY DON'T YOU GET IT THEN?!"

__

"I'M BUSY."

I shout out as I stand literally doing nothing. 

__

Dean trudges inside the house, narrowing his eyes at me as he passes, I just shrugs with a smug face in return.

__

"Jerk."

He mutters as he walks out of sight, and when he is gone my face falls flat again.

__

I look over at Jo than Charlie to see them both ignoring me, I sigh softly as two sets of footsteps head our way.

__

"This isn't over." 

Charlie whispers softly into my shoulder, I jump back and shoot her a concerned frown.

__

As soon as I see a figure enter the kitchen though, I flip my frown upside down, shift my posture and yell with false cheer,

“Hey Bobby!

Glad you could finally make it!”

__

“Shut the hell up boy!

I would've been here sooner if someone didn't take my truck.”

I grimace at the dom in his tone and fall silent.

__

I stare down at the ground, listening to Charlie and Jo great Bobby, before footsteps enter the crowded kitchen and Cas's voice breaks through the room, though I didn't look up, instead I stared at the red oven light while they conversed.

__

“Welcome to my home Bobby, glad you made it.”

__

“Well I wouldn't have missed it for the world, not even a missin truck or the boiling heat could keep me away from seeing your place. I heard from Dean it was nice, but I'll be honest, I didn't think he meant this nice.”

__

Cas chuckled softly 

“Well thank you, I put a lot of work into this house to make it look as nice as it does.”

__

“Well I say.”

Bobby agreed with an impressed tone to his voice.

__

“Hey Bobby, you mind helping us take these bowls outside?”

Jo pipes up.

Bobby sighs,

“You all know im getting too old for this shit right?”

He gripes, just as the red light I was staring so intently at faded.

“Oh you're not old Bobby, you're only what? Eighty-four? 

Eighty-seven?”

I look over at Bobby now to see him glaring at me.

“Keep talking boy and you won't be able to talk.”

I bite my lip, nodding

"Noted."

Jo hands me the mashed potatoes to carry, before disappearing outside with two bags of chips. I follow her to the large picnic-like wooden table and have just enough time to set the bowl down before Charlie yanks me away by the crook of my arm.

"Wha-"

"Shh!"

Charlie heads for Dean who is heading for Cas and stops him with a pale hand to the chest before she tugs him back the way he came.

Dean shoots her a confused look, as she pulls us back into the kitchen.

"What's going on Charlie?"

Dean asks as soon as we are inside.

"Yeah what's going on?

Are you ok?"

I look Charlie over from Ginger hair down to pink and grey nikes but find no signs of distress.

"I think I'm going to collar Jo."

Charlie says in a rush, pale face scrunched up in concern, like she expects us to reject her idea.

_ No! _

My mind protests but I ignore the negative thought and instead say,

"Oh my god! Oh my god, that's awesome Charlie!

Do you already have the collar or?"

Charlie's face breaks out into a warm smile,

"I do yeah, Ellen even helped me pick it out."

"Oh wow. That's kind of a big deal."

Dean says in genuine surprise.

I hum in agreement, 

_ Ellen is a real tough lady to please. _

"I know right! But no, she was really happy to help me out, even offered to help pay, I of course said no! But still the offer was nice, you know?"

"Yeah, that's really good Charlie. I'm really happy for you guys! Seriously you guys are perfect for each other."

_ What cliché words, but sadly those are the only ones that would form when my jelousy was screaming bloody murder in the back of my mind. _

Charlie's face melts soft like butter though and that's enough to help me ignore the voice.

"Oh, thank you Sam."

I pull the redhead into a tight embrace, before Charlie let's go and turns to Dean.

"I'm really happy for you Charlie, you guys look good together."

She smiles wide,

Head tilting as she does.

"Thank you Dean. Honestly. You know I was thinking of buying an engagement ring, but that type of marriage is still so rare, you know? I just wanted to do something that is more common. In hopes that it would mean more? I don't know."

"No, I think you getting her a collar was a good idea.

But maybe for your vow renewals you can get her a ring?"

Charlie's eyes go wide at the mention,

"Oh wow now, we haven't even had our wedding yet Sam, I haven't even proposed yet-"

I cut Charlie's rant off with a laugh,

"It was just a suggestion Charlie."

She chuckles, cheeks pinking,

"Yeah, right, sorry."

She glances over at Dean when he doesn't tease her for getting flustered. 

"Hey Dean, are you still alive in there?"

Charlie's voice seems to bring Dean out of the clouds, green eyes focusing again as he turns to face her.

"Yeah I'm fine, come here."

Dean pulls Charlie into a bone crushing hug causing Charlie to sigh.

"FOOD'S READY!"

Charlie and Dean separate like someone dumped cold water on their heads,both yelling,

"Finally!"

Before sharing a look and laughing, racing each other to the table. 

I snort at their childish antics, as I sander my way to the food packed table.

"HEY! Hey,

Guys play nice."

Cas's tone causes Dean to slow down enough for Charlie to beat him to the table.

_ Oh, that's dirty Cas. _

I think as Cas hides a smile behind his hand.

"Ha ha."

Charlie says teasingly, flopping her small frame down onto the wooden bench.

"You just wait until next time."

I carefully sat myself down beside Jo, watching Charlie who was sat across from me and next to bobby.

"Uh huh."

Charlie says, as she stabs one of the burgers with a fork.

_ She left this spot empty on purpose. _

I glance at Jo with suspicious eyes but she only smiles in return, and hands me the salad.

"You'll see, I'm fast."

I humm, before slowly taking the salad and scooping out a healthy amount.

It falls silent while everyone munches on their food, so I can't help but to feel cautious when Jo turns to me and starts conversation.

"So Sam, is it just gonna be us for your birthday or?"

She trails off, shoving a chip into her mouth watching me with piercing eyes.

"Yeah, well"

I shift my legs under the table, staring intently at my lettuce as I speak.

" I already invited both Ash and Kevin. So far only Ash has replied."

"Still no reply from Crolwey then?"

Jo asks, eyes sad and pale lips pulled into a tight line.

"No."

I exhale before picking up my half eaten burger and taking a huge bite, so that I didn't have to speak on the subject anymore. 

"Let me talk to the son of a bitch and you'll have your answer in five minutes."

My head snaps up at that, burger specks falling out of my mouth as I ask,

"You ow Crowley?"

Bobby lets out a huff of breath and Re adjusts baseball cap, 

" I think you kids keep forgettin my category.

My type and Crowley's type talk, and add in our history and well…"

Bobby trials off, I quickly swallow the chunk of beef and lettuce in my mouth,

"Your history?"

I ask with raised eyebrows, and set lips greasy from the burger.

Bobby narrows his eyes at me,

And for a split second I regret asking.

_ But at the same time I want to push him, _

_ See what he would do if I set him off. _

"Let's just say that we have known each other a long time.

And trust me when I say, I can get him to let Kevin come to your party."

I shake the toxic thought away,

"Thanks Bobby."

I say a lot softer this time.

Bobby just nods it off and goes to change the subject.

"So what you gonna go see at the movies anyway?" 

He asks before he takes a large bite out of his burger. 

"Punch face."

Charlie says automatically, causing Jo to snort water up her nose and me too roll my eyes.

"Punch what now?"

"Punch face, you know? Punching faces, pew pew."

Bobby looks confused as Charlie makes smacking sounds and hits the air, Jo is snorting and giggling into her hand while I just feel mortified.

"Twilight, really charlie?"

"New moon actually."

"BALLS!!"

I jump slightly at the sudden shout, looking toward Bobby to see him jump up from the table and quickly grab a napkin to pat down his once white t-shirt that now had beer seeping into the fabric.

"What happened?"

Dean asks, clearly confused.

"Bobby wasn't paying attention and spilt beer all over himself."

I say, taking a stab at what happened since I wasn't looking at him when it happened. 

Bobby looks down at me and hits me with meanest glare I have ever seen him make,

"Boy, you’re really pushin your luck today. Keep talkin to me like that and I will take that salt on the table and shoot you so full of it that you crap margaritas for a week."

_ Everyone lost it. _

"Wh-

Wha-

Haha

What?"

Dean asked in between wheezes.

Bobby narrowed his eyes one last time before going back to wiping his beer soaked shirt aggressively.

_ Okay, maybe pushing Bobby's buttons was a bad idea. _

I look across the table to see Dean leaning back into Cas's chest, his head resting against his chest, and taking large gulps of air.

Dean then goes to get up but not before whispering something that causes Cas to freeze like a deer in headlights and him to bolt inside.

_ Huh. _

__ "Uh, we have paper towels, or tide pens if that would work better Bobby"

Cas says standing up and brushing himself off, a few crumbs come tumbling down his body like an avalanche.

"Nah, it's fine, things old anyway." 

Bobby grumbles, hands giving up on wiping away the brown stain and instead throws the soaked napkins  _ at my face. _

"Hey! What!" 

I jump up from the table, batting away the wet napkins with disgust.

I glare up at Bobby who was laughing so hard, you would think he was at a comedy show.

"Bobby."

I growl, only to have him wave me off.

"Oh your fine boy, jus wet napkins coulda been a whole lot worse."

Before I can sass back Jo and Charlie are getting up and moving around to distract me.

"I think we are going to head out."

"Yeah us too, I think Sass pants over there needs a nap."

I about snarl at Bobby but think better of it.

_ What an ass. _

I look away from him and to Cas who kisses Dean's forehead, before walking away. Dean watches him go like Cas rose the sun just for him, he turns around then and catches Bobby and me staring, he rolls his eyes and dramatically turns away.

"Go talk to him." 

We say in unison, I smile a wide smug one when Bobby curses under his breath.

"Fine ya idjit, I'll go."

"Have fun."

Bobby flips me off as he walks over to Dean causing me to chuckle. I mean back against the railing as Bobby stands next to Dean, and Dean just ignores him.

I shake my head as Dean really tried to ignore Bobby and clean while Bobby just moves closer and keeps talking, I hear Bobby scuff before saying something else to Dean in a hushed voice, only for Dean to roll his eyes.

"Even a Damn Spalax could see that you two are in love and the damn things are blind."

Bobby says this time loud enough for me to hear and  _ oh boy. _

Dean turns to look Bobby straight in the eye and says something to him quietly, his jaw set and body hard but his eyes give him away.

_ He's scared. _

I see Bobby shift closer into Dean's space before Charlie and Jo come up to me.

"We are heading out."

Charlie says arm slung over Jo's shoulder.

I nod my head at this, body shifting to stuff my hands in my pockets.

"Okay, well it was really good to see you guys."

"You too Sammy boy."

It goes awkwardly quiet after that, I shuffle my feet refusing to look them in the eye. The hushed conversation of Bobby and Dean seems to be coming to an ending point, as I watch Bobby pull Dean into a hug.

Jo sighs,

"Look Sam, if you ever need to talk to us just message us or call, hell come to the house you know where we live."

"I'll think about it Jo."

_ No thank you Jo. _

Charlie startles me by pulling me into a hug tugging Jo reluctantly along.

"Oh."

I clear my throat and look down at the two small women hugging my chest.

"Um-"

"You don't have to reach out to us Sam if your not comfortable talking about things just-"

Charlie squeezes my chest roughly before she hurries her head into my chest.

"Stop huwting youwself, please."

Her words are muffled by my chest but they cause me to freeze, heart stuttering, threatening to go into overdrive.

"What-I-I don't-  **hurt** myself Charlie what?"

My words weren't even the slightest bit convincing, and by the looks on the girls faces they knew I was caught off guard by the statement. 

Charlie pulls back first and throws me a watery eyed smile, "No knights are allowed to die, queens orders."

"Wha-?"

Charlie walks away before I can even reply, I turn to Jo, jaw slack and face flushed.

"Jo-No- please explain to her-it's not like that not my fault-" I cut myself off with a heavy sigh, Jo looks sad but understanding lights her eyes.

"It  **will** get better Sam."

And then of course she too walks away before I can reply.

My brain is left whirling, eyes watering and heart screaming  **error** . I try to suck air into my lungs to calm down the churning of my mind but Bobby yells for me before I can take the time I need after a moment like that.

"Let's go home Sam."

I shake my head roughly as I march over to where Bobby and Dean are standing. Bobby pats me roughly on the back,  _ and ok that actually helps me to clear my head. _

Bobby sends Dean one last soft smile, before he walks back inside the house. Dean takes that time to look at me, as I look at him and the sight of his teary eyes was finally enough to kick my Brian into gear. 

I pull Dean into a hug, causing him to sigh in relief and press his face into my shirt.

"Let yourself enjoy this Dean."

I whisper softly

_ Please, one of us deserves a happy ending. _

Dean breaks the hug first, and I hold in a sigh of relief and instead morph that feeling into a wide stretched mouth smile, before walking away to find Bobby.

_ Dean better make things work with Cas. _

I think as my run down tennis shoes trudge down the pristine tiled floors, the contrast reminding me of how unfit I am for a life like this.

I go to pinch myself but remember Charlie's words _.  _

_ "No knights are allowed to die, queens orders." _

So I clench my fist instead and grind my teeth.

_ You better get your happy ending Dean _ .

_ One of us needs to have one. _

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos keep my motivated ❤
> 
> Please read the series description!  
> It Will explain the updates for this series!!!!
> 
> Also the next chapter will be about Sam's 22nd birthday so get hyped. 🎉
> 
> Till next time ❤


End file.
